The Importance of An Apology

A monumental part of intentional living is being aware of the energies you put out in the world. Being your most authentic self means that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea; however we can lead a life of respectfulness, sincerity, and sympathy, regardless. We can be unapologetically ourselves (see post: The Art of Being Unapologetically Authentic), yet still hold space for others’ feelings via awareness, and when necessary, a sincere apology. How we make people feel long proceeds what we actually say. And although an apology does not right a wrong, it does start us on a path toward humility.

A healthy relationship is built on trust

Especially the trust that you can be yourself around your loved ones. This goes for any relationship: those between family members, intimate partners, and friends. By virtue of our social nature, we are partially shaped by the bonds we hold. Hurting someone in a trusted relationship is an attack on their uniqueness and may have implications to that person for days, weeks, or sometimes- for a lifetime. Now, this does not mean we can’t voice our opinions or disagree but there is a difference between respectfully speaking our truth and denying someone of their own.

Step 1: Problem awareness

Notably, apologies require awareness of the problem in the first place. A general rule of thumb: if someone feels hurt, that is often cause enough for an apology. It is not our job to employ the “Worthiness Meter,” i.e. trying to downplay someone’s feelings because you think it’s ‘not that big of a deal,’ or that they ‘shouldn’t take it so personally.’ Rather, this is the perfect time to step into the other’s shoes and practice empathy.

Step 2: Overcoming discomfort in order to make a change

Apologies may make you feel uncomfortable. For some, it is admitting they’re wrong. For others, it is hearing that they were wronged. It can be awkward for the apologizer and the apologizee. It is due to this discomfort, that it may feel like a beautiful “pass” when you both just sweep it under the rug. But this subconsciously conditions both parties into a cycle of lower worth and revenge. Sounds extreme, right. Let me explain.

We often use generalizing language when we are in a fight intended to make a big splash in the other’s mental space. Maybe, even to hurt them. We use phrases like:

• “you always do _____”
• “you never say/ do ______”
• “you are a ______ person”

And as if we are building a case, we try to incorporate in some past ‘fails’ as evidence. We try to convince the other that we know them more than they do… and that we think they need to change- at least in the heat of the moment. If this gets swept under the rug, before long it turns into:

1. lower self- esteem, accepting the negative qualities placed upon you, and possibly turning into a self- fulfilling prophecy in projecting these qualities
2. Ego protection via taking (intentional or subconscious) karmic control into your own hands i.e. giving them a ‘dose of their own medicine.’

Say you found out your friend was speaking ill about you. Instead of confronting them, you let it stew. When you see this friend, you may still have fun and you may feel content in the “act like nothing is wrong” facade; however, when you are alone that experience still bothers you. You feel wronged, even if you may try to tell yourself it is not that big of a deal. But something changed in your relationship. When the opportunity arise, you don’t feel too guilty talking about them. You feel a little less bad about not being able to help them when they are in a bind. Maybe you don’t make much of an effort seeing them. Or maybe the gossip they spoke about you becomes louder in your head until you can’t even think of this friend without also bringing up that painful memory.

Step 3: A chance for growth

 It may not seem like a big deal because unresolved problems pop up all of the time and are not always relationship deal breakers but it does permeate into us. Relationships are like mirrors and when they reflect shame and anger, it hurts.

These interactions filled with self- doubt and revenge can end and embitter relationships. However, it stems from something that could be a great talking point, a chance to dig deeper in the relationship and into yourself.

Step 4: A time for action

You now have some motivation to wade in uncomfortable waters.

If you feel wronged:

No matter if you reason it as a small problem, feeling it means it was real; but it is important to be centered from your heart before taking action. Before you confront this person, it is important to practice self- reflection. We are trying to raise our consciousness after all, so that means we are increasing awareness in relationships and within ourselves.

1. Center yourself: no matter what, your value does not depend on others’ opinions. Letting go of the constant need for approval can free you from perpetuating victim-hood and make you more self- confident.
2. State your intention: Is your intention in confronting this person only to make them feel bad, in hopes that we feel better? Or can we can we let go of preconceived ideas of how we feel this conversation should go and just focus on learning and growing, instead.
3. Take an outside perspective: Is it possible you are part of the problem? Maybe this event was a spill over from when you wronged them?
4. Brainstorm a plan of action: how can we express ourselves in the most clear, yet authentic way? What can we do to ground ourselves if we feel like we are losing our power, compassion, or clarity in the conversation?
5. Most importantly, allow all parties space to talk.

If you feel you may have wronged someone:

As stated in step one, problem awareness is key. Sensing others’ discomfort can be tricky and is inherently more difficult from noticing your own hurt. However, both require living in an conscious and compassionate state. It is now your turn to apologize, but first this also takes some self- reflection:

1. Be accountable: it can be freeing to quiet your ego. You can admit to yourself that you hurt someone, without the need to defend or make excuses for your ego (it’ll be okay knowing it was wrong for once). You may also need to quiet the negative self talk that may follow (i.e. ‘wow I am such a jerk!’). It is basically a hushing game of all of the various devils and angels on your shoulders. Without their unhelpful whispering, you can finally come from a clear and sympathetic seat within. You have the ability to actually make a change since you are now aware.
2. Do it sincerely or don’t do it at all: the only thing worse than sweeping a problem under the rug is the unsympathetic sorry (translation: ‘that sucks you feel that way, get over it’).
3. Speak your truth: no matter the situation, you should always be your authentic self, especially if you are coming from a centered place. This conversation does not have to be a one- way street of apologies, rather it can be a spring board for a deep conversation and new level to the relationship.
4. Don’t make empty promises: you don’t have to say “I will never do this again” ESPECIALLY if you have no intention following through but you can problem solve and make a conscious effort to talk to the person before any escalation.
5. Don’t expect to control the reaction: so you apologized and still aren’t forgiven. That may happen and you will learn from it and you will decide how best to go on from there.

Apologies are a huge part of our lives. We may have been learning about them since we were babies but it takes real intention and accountability to properly employ them into our adult lives. Our words have a huge effect and we all need to realize that. Apologizing does not cost a dime; but it has the possibility of creating piece of mind.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to drop a comment below!

Thanks for reading! xoxo